Zelda is an Abominable Movie Hero Choice - Who We Would Pick Instead
Written by Disgruntled Plumber - Wednesday, Nov 8, 2023 at 2:45pm
I awoke this morning to some truly atrocious news. In a move that has left fans bewildered and baffled, Nintendo has decided to cast the loathsome Zelda as the protagonist of their upcoming feature film. This decision is so utterly nonsensical that it has me questioning the very sanity of those in charge at Nintendo.
Ah, Zelda, the supposed "Hero of Time." More like the "Hero of Slightly Inconvenient Timelines." This guy's been coasting on his reputation for decades, and it's time we call him out for what he truly is: a glorified errand boy in a pointy green hat. Sure, he's got a sword and a shield, but what has he done to deserve all that fame? He smashes pots, steals rupees from people's homes, and breaks into their chicken coops just to face off against the same villain, Ganon, time and time again. Talk about a lack of career progression. And let's not even get started on his supposed "love interest," Princess whatever-her-name-is. The guy never seems to catch a break there, always needing rescuing from some unimaginable peril. Maybe it's time we retire his name "Zelda" and replace it with "Lunk," which is more in line with his true achievements – like breaking the pots of Hyrule, one pottery barn at a time.
Why Wario is a Better Choice
Go into the kitchen and smell some garlic powder. Now close your eyes for a minute and imagine the dreamiest, spiciest hero ever gracing their presence on this earth. A hero for the people. Someone who is financially stable and doesn't need to ransack the villager's homes, destroy their pottery, and steal every last rupee from their broken pots just to survive. Do you picture them wearing yellow? A dash of purple, perhaps? That's right, you immediately picture Wario, the bravest hero in the galaxy. But is such bravery rewarded in the showbusiness industry? Unfortunately, it appears not.
Wario is a much more compelling character than Zelda and would make for a far more entertaining and engaging movie protagonist. He is charismatic, funny, and full of personality, while Zelda is often bland and unremarkable with his generic "knight in shining armor" fairytale. In addition, Wario's backstory is far more interesting than Zelda's. He is a self-made man who has risen from humble beginnings to become one of the richest and most powerful characters in the Mushroom Kingdom. His rags-to-riches story is one that is sure to resonate with audiences.
What do you think? Should Wario have been Nintendo's next protagonist pick? Or are they justified in choosing the Cucco Crazed Cowboy they call Zelda?
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